For sometime now, I have known my life wasn't mine. It used to be. A string of anger, laziness, ignorance, fear, and depression formed a person I can't recognize or don't want to. When I look in the mirror, I see all of my mistakes. Figurative and literal scars cover my body, and I can not undo the things I most want undone. I have hurt people. I have violated trust. I have hidden behind my biggest insecurities and been crippled by fear.
Anger won't ever be enough to endure a transformation; it has it's place and it is important to mental health, but I can not be mad at everyone or myself anymore. Ignoring the problems will not solve them, neither will working out all of the contingencies in my head. Small, significant choices have to be made everyday, and I have to do the things that make me feel whole.
Tonight, I got out of the shower and looked at my reflection. I immediately strung together a toxic verse of hateful adjectives. STOP. STOP! For the first time in a long time, I silenced the self doubt and self loathing. Maybe people don't understand the significance of that. The negative perspective I have of myself has dominated my life for years. I have made changes, like quitting smoking or being on a diet, and I have had achievements like getting promoted and writing more, but at the end of the day, I still see this terrible person.
Tonight was different. I thought, if I were to die today, what would I want people to remember me for? How would I be described? How do I want to be described? What will I do everyday as best I can that will help me achieve those things.
So here are the 5 words I want people to describe me as...
Vital - Not thin, not muscular, not sexy. Vital. I want someone to see me and immediately be greeted by my energy. It's not a competition. It isn't vanity. It's the sense that in a pinch, I could have your back mentally and physically. I want to be invited on adventures. I want to go places I've dreamed about. I want to be fearless.
Wise - I may not get a chance to study in the halls of an Ivy League in my lifetime, maybe I will. Nevertheless, I want people to trust my judgment. I want to learn a lot about very specific things. I want my knowledge of literature, entertainment, science, and philosophy to culminate into my own brand of wisdom. I want to be able to share information, not force it. I want to enlighten and be enlightened.
Kind - Not happy or nice. I want people to trust me, and I want to open my heart to trust others. I want my wealth to be in smiles. I want my time to be focused on those I love and those that need love. I want to be thoughtful and generous. I want to challenge ignorance and pushback intolerance. I want to struggle to understand, not struggle to be understood.
Funny - I want to be smart and ridiculous. I want to see light in darkness. I want people to see my silliness and let theirs out. I want to laugh out loud, for real. I want to illustrate the tough parts of life with joy and hope.
Creative - I want the ideas I have to come to life. I want to create something everyday: a poem, a drawing, or a photograph. I want to read beautiful works of fantasy and let my imagination take me there. I want to create with other people and learn how someone perceives life. I want to be vulnerable and open to all of the beauty in this world.
I have to make choices that feed these parts of me. I need to nourish my soul. I need to cultivate these words and bring them out in my life. This blog will be the start to that journey. I promise to be open, honest, and real 100% of the time. It's time to make a change.
So here's my first step of being real: this is for me. This is not a guide to change your life. It is not an invitation for you to change mine. I want to speak my truth, and I hope that you find the truth that resonates inside of you and share it with the world, on your time, in your own way.
Thank you for reading my first entry. There is an adventure to be had, and I want a front row seat!!!